Who NOT to take in DraftKings this Week: The Shriners

Guys, when I tell you who NOT to take in DraftKings, it is not just a bit. I’m BAD at this. Of course, on the whole, everybody is bad at this which is why at the time of this posting, DraftKings has a market capitalization of $19.3 billion dollars and I … do not. Last week, my clever and insightful lineup not only didn’t payout but in the small league I play in, I came in 20th place.

There were twenty entries.

So, if you would also like to figure out how to finish dead last in YOUR DraftKings league this week, read on!

This week, the tour has the Shriners Open. It made me think, not for the first time, “What the fuck is a Shriner, anyway?” And let me tell you something…whoa. Here’s the definition of the Shriners International Society:

Shriners International, also commonly known as The Shriners or formerly known as the Ancient Arabic Order of the Nobles of the Mystic Shrine, is a Masonic society established in 1870 and is headquartered in Tampa, Florida.


Just think about what mental loops folks have to go through to belong to an Ancient Arabic Order in Tampa. Also, yes, the Shriners are THESE GUYS:

There’s zero chance I can write a caption funnier than the picture itself.

It’s not just guys, though. Women CAN be a Shriner…as “membership in either organization is open to any woman 18 years of age and older who is related to a Shriner or Master Mason by birth or marriage.” OK. Wow. They do a lot of great charity work, but folks let’s call it like it is, they are weird AF.

Anyhow, we are in what folks seem intent on calling the “Vegas Swing” and honestly, I’m not into that. At. All. So, I’ll just note that it IS kind of fun that the tour is in Las Vegas and it did give me some amusement finding out what golfers live in or have ties to Las Vegas, and whether that could influence my lineup. Then, I remembered that Scott Piercy lives in Vegas, and the wind came out of my sails. I don’t have a lot of rules, but avoiding someone who believes in QAnon and makes homophobic slurs, and then offers the weakest types of apologies (“I’m sorry if anyone was offended!”) is one of them. Piercy is a no-fly zone.

So, with our “studs” we are going with Webb Simpson ($11,000) and Matthew Wolff ($9,600) – their performances at the U.S. Open show their games continue to be in good form, and while they play very different games, there’s no reason to believe both won’t continue to do well at The Shriners. Just a peg or two down is the gap-toothed Mattress King, Louis Oosthuizen ($8,800), who has a great record here and honestly, is always fun to root for. I’m in.

Do not weep for Mav McNealy, Mav McNealy weeps for YOU.

One guy who does live in Vegas with his girlfriend Danielle Kang is Maverick McNealy. At $6,900 he’s a relative bargain and played quite well his rookie season (which of course was a bumpy one for everyone). Maverick, I feel the need….the need for…putting you in my lineup! (OK, I’m sorry as I’m sure he’s gotten a lot of this. On the other hand, he’s a world-class golfer and grew up the son of a billionaire and again, is dating Danielle Kang, so I don’t feel too bad about the awful joke.)

We’re also riding again with Lanto Griffin ($7,300) who was one of the more consistent plays all last season. He’s unlikely to be holding the trophy on Sunday but he made 22/28 cuts last year with four top-10’s, and oh boy we LIKE that.

Even Kevin is amused.

That leaves us with only $6,400 which we are amused to find ourselves using on … Kevin Chappell. He’s alive! Having battled injuries for awhile, he placed 23rd at Sanderson Farms (with a fairly good field, though nowhere near what is happening this week) that included a 64 on Thursday. If we can get a cut made from Chappell, we’re in business and anything else is pure gravy.

Mmmm, gravy.

Fire up those tiny cars, put on your Fez and LET’S GO BABY

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