“Quarantine” – A Breakdown of Bryson DeChambeau’s Instagram Video

Thursday morning brought tournament golf back to all of us, and nobody was happier than the folks here at Talking To A Fade. But with it came gems we didn’t expect, and atop the list was a video that Bryson DeChambeau, aka The Fraudulent Physicist, The Thicc Boi, the Mass-matician, etc., released on Instagram.

It’s borderline insane, and I love it so much I’ve watched it MULTIPLE times. Did I mention it’s fifteen minutes long? It’s fifteen minutes long.

Here is a direct link to the video if you haven’t seen it. I implore you to do so. But I couldn’t leave it at that. Here’s a breakdown:

It begins with Bryson walking into his (gigantic mega mansion of a) home. He’s pulling his luggage and we hear the news talking about the PGA cancelling events. It needs to be stated that there is literally no way this was filmed in real-time. This was reshot for the purpose of the video. I love this weirdo. He sits and watches TV (Fox News! So on brand) and we see him sitting morose on the couch, watching things slip away.

Again, I don’t know who is filming this. I also wonder when it was filmed (this makes it feel like it was the next day but the new 2020 schedule was announced in mid-April, so we’re playing around with time quite a bit from jump street). I’m in love.

Next, it’s the morning and Thicc Boi needs FOOD.

Just remember that every frame of this video is Bryson approved. In fact, I honestly think it must have been all commissioned and designed by Bryson himself because NO LOGICAL THINKING HUMAN would think this was a good idea. Which makes it … a great idea! And also? Yum, bacon.

Next up, Bryson goes for a drive. Did you know Bryson owns a Bentley? Well, Bryson owns a Bentley:

Where is Bryson driving to? Well, if I didn’t mention this before, there’s literally ZERO narration here, so it’s not exactly clear. He walks around a place called Skyline Oaks, but it’s not clear if he’s building a new house, a golf course or what. He then visits Dallas Limestone with four other people – no one is wearing a mask, nobody is practicing social distancing, and my head is exploding that nobody even seems to KNOW that they’re violating the QUARANTINE that Bryson’s video is named after:

Bryson…that shirt is really something special. And by special, I mean it’s maybe the ugliest thing I’ve literally ever seen, and I’ve changed a lot of diapers in my day. When I was a kid, we moved into a house that had shower tile that looked vaguely like this, and we referred to the color as Monkey Vomit. I present this isolated, completely unrelated fact without further comment.

Bryson is back, shirtless (at least, he could be naked I guess) watching what appears to be an Apple TV screensaver. My god, he’s a brilliant weirdo.

We’ve reached my favorite part of the video, where Bryson uses a pool sweeper to try – unsuccessfully, as far as we can tell, to knock a loose frond or branch out of a tree.

This oddly compelling segment has Bryson using some type of long elastic line as a balance beam. He falls off of it at the end.

I’d like to correct an earlier statement. THIS is my favorite part of the video, about 30 seconds where we watch a squirrel steal birdseed from a bird feeder. I honestly don’t even know if this is on Bryson’s property. I have NO idea what is going on here. SQUIRREL!

Thunderstorms. Rain. Pensive Bryson.

Got it. Note that we’re WEEKS into quarantine, and all we’ve seen Bryson do is eat bacon, watch TV, clean his pool (presumably), drive his car, shop for limestone and film a squirrel.

Here we see Bryson and unnamed friend (who very well be the cameraman most of the time? Who can say!) clean out his garage. This will be replaced with a full gym. We are led to believe that Bryson DeChambeau, who has been on a months-long campaign about how he’s putting on weight to drive the ball farther, jacking himself up, etc., does NOT have any gym equipment at home until now. I mean…I guess? This is the most unbelievable part of this video thus far.

Workout COMPLETE

Look closely here. This is the part where I feel like Bryson might be pulling an Andy Kaufman on us. This is a laptop showing a fire burning in a fireplace. The laptop itself is…INSIDE A FIREPLACE. There is no more context given to this. This just might be the moment where I decided I’m in love with Bryson DeChambeau.

Hey! That’s a hitting net. This golf professional might be thinking about swinging a club! Note that this is in someone else’s house, there’s multiple people milling about inside, and nobody is wearing a mask. GREAT TIMES. Also, Bryson is shooting hoops here, not swinging a club (though in fairness he does that too.)

STOP THE PRESSES, Bryson is swinging a golf club outside! This is about 11 or 12 minutes into a 15 minute video. Interestingly, all we see is him working on his short game.

It closes with a montage of Bryson’s past victories. I swear to god, I have NO idea why.

And … that’s it. That’s all we see. I’m fairly sure that the message of the video is supposed to be that quarantine (which included spending time with MULTIPLE different people, inside and outside) was very tough on Young Bryson, and that it took him weeks to snap out of it, start working out and get back on his golf game. But only Bryson would put together a video like this to express that rather basic thought. God bless this weird, weird man-child.

(Note: He went out and shot a 65 in the opening round. This kid is weird, but he can play.)

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