One of the trends I’ve noticed on golf courses lately is to assign each hole a name. It’s perplexing really, because for the life of me I can’t think of the purpose it serves. Does it make a course seem fancier or imply there is more history/lore to it’s bones? Even my home course does it and spent lots of money on special tombstones on every tee box. And yet I’ve never heard anyone refer to any hole by anything other than its number!! Don’t get me wrong, this pleases me! For if they started calling the 12th hole Bumblebee Junction or the 14th hole Gobbler’s Knob I might be inclined to get violent. And I don’t need an assault charge right now!
Perhaps the course where names have stuck best is Augusta National. They are almost, I said almost, memorable! But almost is not good enough and I suggest we aim higher. One idea is to name each hole according to the most famous shot that occurred there. Something like this…
RENAME TO: Elder Statesman
Background: In 1975 Lee Elder became the first black man to compete in the Masters.
RENAME TO: Oostie Gets Luiztie
Background: Louis Oosthuizen momentarily held the lead in the last round of 2012 with a legendary hole out from 250+ yards.
RENAME TO: Charl’s Delight
Background: In the final round of 2011, Charl’s delicate hole out was the capper to erasing the 4 shot lead that Rory started the day with.
RENAME TO: Slu’s Goo
Background: In the 1992 Masters, Jeff Sluman became the only player to ever record a hole-in-one and ejaculate on the fourth hole.
RENAME TO: Finsterwald’s Fuck Up
Background: In the first round of the 1960 Masters, Finsty was retroactively assessed a 2 stroke penalty for batting his ball towards the 6th tee after making a routine par. He ended up losing by 1 to Arnold Palmer.
RENAME TO: BJs for BJ
Background: In 1954, Amateur Billy Jo Patton aced the 6th hole and went on to finish 1 shot from joining Sam Snead and Ben Hogan in a playoff.
RENAME TO: Grandpa Porn
Background: In the 1998 Masters, Jack Nicklaus at 58 years old charges up the leaderboard with a long birdie putt on 7 to get him to within 2 shots of the lead in the final round. The valiant effort led Nicklaus to a T-6 finish.
RENAME TO: Bruce’s Deuce
Background: Bruce Devlin recorded the second double eagle in Masters History in 1967 (Oosthuizen’s was the third), still the longest on record for the event.
RENAME TO: Hook Me Baby One More Time
Background: In the first round of 2010, Tiggie ripped a gorgeous snapper around some trees to get on the green in regulation.
RENAME TO: Bubba’s Chubba
Background: In a sudden-death playoff with Louis Oosthuizen in 2012, Bubba Watson hooked a pitching wedge from the pine straw (through the tiniest of windows) to make for an easy 2 putt victory.
RENAME TO: Larry’s Leap
Background: Larry Mize’s chip in the 1987 Masters gave him an improbably birdie to win in sudden death vs Greg Norman.
RENAME TO: Jordy’s Blunder
Background: Jordan Spieth’s 2016 collapse was well under way by the time this epic quadruple bogey came along, but stands as THE iconic moment of that year’s Masters.
RENAME TO: Phil’s Thrill
Phil’s shot from the pine straw might not have won him the 2010 Masters (he was up by 2 at the time) but it sure as hell cemented it.
RENAME TO: Tackleberry’s Tackle
Background: In the second round of the 2019 Masters, a security guard slipped and nearly took Tiger out of the tournament. Of course Tiger went on to win and make us all weep.
RENAME TO: Creamed Gene
Background: Gene Sarazen’s hole out from the fairway in 1935 (“the shot heard round the world”) tied him for the lead with Craig Wood. Sarazen would go on to win in a 36 hole playoff.
RENAME TO: TigerLady Claws
Background: Tiger’s ridiculous chip in from an impossible position gave him extra breathing room in his battle down the home stretch vs Chris DiMarco in 2005. For reference, TigerLady is a wonderful self defense tool for those walking alone on dangerous streets. Buy one today for you or your lady!
RENAME TO: First Shining Moment
Background: In the 1986 Masters, Verne Lundquist’s iconic “Yes Sir!” call punctuated Jack Nicklaus’s outstanding putt where he famously raised his putter and walked it in. In the years that followed, handsome Verne would go on to make many more legendary vocal memories.
RENAME TO: Sandie’s Sandy
Background: Tied with Mark Calcavecchia on the 72nd hole, Sandy Lyle drops it to 10 feet from a fairway bunker to set up for a birdie to win by 1.
NOTE: 18 could also be called “A Leap for Phil-Kind” to memorialize Phil Mickelson’s 2004 victory leap after sinking an 18 foot birdie putt.
Thank you for your support. Lets get this to Fred Ridley and make this dream a reality.