Not sure why but lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my testicles and wondering why tour golfers, for all their athleticism and new found dedication to dead lifts and squat thrusts, aren’t wearing jockstraps. I think of myself and my flabby lower half in the cotton briefs I’ve had for years (2Xist for life) and I feel very sorry for my package and how banged up the contents must get as I torque my glutes and upper quads 50-60 times per round, not to mention walk 18 holes at a blistering pace. But I’m just a simple recreational golfer! Imagine being like Koepka, Woodland or Woods and possessing even more powerful glutes and quads and exacerbating the problem with not thousands but millions of steps; ungodly amounts of relentless pounding, strain and stretching that tests the limits of scrotal physics.
We’ve all seen old men in the showers at the local country club with their ballbags slamming into their knees as they waddle over nude to the cashew station. Impossible that this isn’t the norm on tour and it isn’t right. And if the players won’t stand up for themselves, dammit I’m willing to do it for them.
For 30 seconds please step back and ask yourself why would players put themselves through all that agony and why isn’t Commissioner Monahan looking out for their health and safety and requiring athletic supporters to be worn at all times? Is it bravado stopping them or is it the fear of panty strap lines? There simply is no good argument against wearing one and it makes me so blind with rage I recently found myself unconsciously searching various random jockstrap conspiracy theories on Google but to no avail.
To my knowledge there has been no squabble between any major jockstrap manufacturer and the PGA Tour that would cause them to be banned for any period of time. It’s just so surprising to me that for all the talk about speeding up the game they wouldn’t be interested in an attractive high waisted jockstrap that promised to “fight fatigue by helping prevent vascular pooling.” For the dullards out there, diminished vascular pooling means less groin swelling and reduced fatigue equates to better play, greater energy levels and perkier attitudes. If a jockstrap could make Lucas Glover or Dustin Johnson 20% more dynamic, wouldn’t that be a chance worth taking?
Trust me, I’m not about to advocate for getting a bunch of beefy fellows to hold them down every day and strap one on against their will, but maybe do it to them once or twice to see how it goes? Friends say don’t hold your breath because “change like this does not come easy.” And I get it. I bet the only hope this crusade has is if Bryson gets to 270 pounds and finds that hiking his nuts north of his belly button gives him an additional 2mph swing speed.
Let’s set aside the idea that jockstraps lead to stronger performance and testicular health/buoyancy, and instead focus on the image problem that golf has suffered from for many years. You know what I’m talking about. “Golf is for pussies” they all say! You’ve heard it from classmates, your mother, your children, your significant other and probably your Starbucks barista. And dammit we are pussies but we deserve some measure of respect. And while we can’t change the game into some cool contact sport like football, basketball or MMA, we could at least pretend to everyone that it’s more dangerous than it is. That starts with wearing jockstraps, and ends with helmets and instep guards. When we leave on Sunday mornings for our regular weekly game we need our wives and husbands to be afraid we may never come back, either from being drilled in the back with a ball, being brained by a 4 iron, breaking our legs by fouling a ball off our shin or suffering a brutal degloving from an over-aggressive nut punch. But if this is all too much how about just wear the fucking jockstrap!
Thanks for giving this a read. If you’ve gotten this far you are truly a special person with a kind heart. A lot of people wonder what’s it to me and why do I care so much. Frankly I don’t have a good answer here, I simply encourage you to buy yourself a quality jockstrap (with a durable comfort waistband) and see the world open up to you. I can’t guarantee you will play better golf but you will be doing yourself and the game a tremendous service. Godspeed and God Bless.