As an expert in advanced NASA level statistics and bio-statistical analytic statistics, and as a man with a terrific sense of (hair)style it has been a dream of mine to prove correlations between golfing performance and one’s neural-craniacle coif (aka hairdo). Let’s just say the fruits of these loving labours are definitely not lost on me. It’s like Ben Hogan once said, find the secret in the dirt! Well, that I did and the numbers don’t lie. For the results of this study show that those seeking an improved game would be well advised to visit their local barber for a consultation and full makeover.
It’s important to acknowledge the haters who said this would be an impossible if not pointless task. Impossible and pointless? How about your face is impossible and you’re mother is pointless, ok? What the so-called media elite don’t want you to know is the majority of PGA Tour players are basically the same; Adam Scott style robots with almost no variance in swing shape, power, height, weight, you name it. The only real differences between golfers is hairstyle! So to discover these correlations, one would only have to categorize the headdressian styles vs the norm and compare the stats to the tour averages. It’s so simple it hurts.
The categories of style that I studied in this report are the following:
The Data:
Summary Analysis:
You Bet I Squat
- This tightly mown hairdo produced long drives but poor touch around the green. Perhaps an additional inch of follicularity between scalp and lid would provide better “cushion for the pushin’” and improvement with the short stick.
Creepy Aunt Sue
- Aunt Suzies perform poorly in all phases of the game. They don’t hit it far, aren’t accurate, putt like shit and score bad. With an extra 7-8oz of shag resting on their heads, they are weighed down quite literally and figuratively with shame. It’s hard to imagine a situation where a professional fellow with deep pockets would choose to look like your least favorite female relative but perhaps they are the super thrifty type who get a deep sense of satisfaction from the free haircuts at the local beauty college. One wonders whether a few short minutes with a Flowbee might gain them 5mph gain in swing speed.
Stupid
- Surprisingly (and maddeningly) Stupids score almost a half stroke better than the PGA Tour average while not excelling in any category. Compared to the Creepy Aunt Sues, who possess apparent awareness (shame) of how ridiculous they look, a careful examination of Stupids performance prove they are oblivious. And since obliviousness is a part of being stupid it is entirely plausible they are indeed as stupid on the inside as they are on the out.
Hairbrow
- HBs look hot on the tee box and spend lots of time in the fairway brushing their bangs to the side of their foreheads like matinee idols of old. Unfortunately this super sexy look translates to below average putting and scrambling, and a low % of top tens. Forceplate analysis (not shown in this report) confirms that with shorter clubs in hand and a more bent posture, Hairbrows let hair weight shift balance more to the toes, leading to stubbed chips and poor contact with the putter.
Extra Forehead
- Of all the unfortunate hairstyles, the data shows the bald bastard to have the worst hairstyle for ballstriking and putting. That said, they are grinders that produce a high rate of Top 10s. They also have a higher incarceration rate than any other hairdo, and a higher likelihood to lay wood on hookers and loose women.
Conclusions:
For optimal golf performance, the data shows the best hairstyle would be a combination of each previously listed style with the exception of the Creepy Aunt Sue. The ideal combo would of course need to be stupid but also short on the sides, with sensible bangs and showing as much head skin as possible. Running this description through the Microsoft AI machine produced the following as the closest physical match:
You’re welcome.
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