Throwing Stone A Bone

With all the craziness of Coronavirus and lots of other almost equally depressing news I’ve really been looking forward to the Masters this year.  In the midst of this longing I noticed an ad that has been playing recently on Sirius XM PGA Tour Radio for Mike Stone, a smooth sounding crooner selling an album chock full of golf related songs.  His smash hit is called “One Week in April” and I’d like you to give it a listen.

(THE FOLLOWING WAS LIFTED FROM THE “ABOUT MIKE” PAGE ON MIKESTONE.COM, WITH SOME EDITS FOR BREVITY)  

“In an age of unmatched cynicism, few musicians dare to write songs as positive and unapologetically heartfelt as Crossville, Tennessee’s native son, Mike Stone.

A natural athlete, Mike spent his early years playing and obsessively watching football, baseball, and basketball. And though his love of sports would never leave him, Mike found a new obsession in 1965 – the guitar.

Mike’s unyielding passion for creating uplifting and inspiring music and his potential for greatness was apparent from the outset. He formed a band with his childhood friend Reb Ivey (now Dr. Reb Ivey). In 1969 the young musicians won the regional battle of the bands in Cookeville, then placed in the top five in the state competition in Nashville.

In 2010, Mike’s wife, Connie, encouraged him to begin writing and recording original songs that inspire change in his listeners. Mike worked for more than four years on his first release, One Week in April, an eight-song album that included the title track, a breakout ode to that magical week at Augusta, Georgia which has been called “the greatest song that was ever written” about the greatest golf tournament in the world.

Even though his foray into original songwriting started at an age where most musicians are beginning to wind down their careers, the future is bright for this Tennessee songwriter.”

HOT HAM!  That’s some heady self praise!  A sick athlete AND a musician?  Who won a regional battle of the bands???  WHO WROTE THE GREATEST SONG EVER WRITTEN ABOUT THE GREATEST GOLF TOURNAMENT IN THE WORLD????  I know it’s not the appropriate reaction but the whole thing just makes me angry.  Steaming hot angry with a side of chapped ass and frosty balls.  Like why can’t that be me??  Why does everyone else have the talent and I’m stuck selling #10 envelopes???  BTW we have a special on 28 pound special window side seams.  Let me know if you need a box.  But back to the point!  I’m just as good as that guy!!  I too am a middle aged former athlete and in middle school was the lead in a musical that over 100 people attended.  I even got fucking flowers after I took my bow.  Whatever. 

Over the last few days this resentment stuck with me but has recently evolved into more of an iritable-steely-resolve.  Resolve to write THE SECOND GREATEST SONG EVER WRITTEN ABOUT THE GREATEST GOLF TOURNAMENT IN THE WORLD. 

I hereby present to you the first single and music video off my unfinished album, “The Masters Fight of My Life”. It aims to do for the Masters what Survivor did for Rocky, and Stan Bush did for Bloodsport. For stadium bookings please contact my manager AC at AC@talkingtoafade.com.

Full Lyrics:

(Raps)
Like a phoenix I will rise it’s my quest for this dream
Heart attack passion my wife she will scream

(sings)
Bashing balls all night long
To handle pressure of the Masters throng
Magnolia Lane ain’t seen the likes of me
Gonna change the course of history

Chorus (spoken)
This warrior never quits
This solider never sits
We’ll blow them all to bits
I’m ready to die for this
never surrender

(sung)
It’s the
Masters fight of my life
Masters fight of my life

My abs are toned and my glutes are tight
Séances have shown me the light
A dozen Pinnacles are ready to go
But I’ll only need one with my caddy in tow

Chorus
This warrior never quits
This solider never sits
Into holes I will spits
I’m ready to die for this
never surrender

(sung)
It’s the
Masters fight of my life
Masters fight of my life

My body’s clean of toxins right now
This fuckin’ passion don’t need no cow
The world is against my quest for this dream
Fighting for tomorrow with laser beams

(Raps)
This win will surely bring Hootie back from the dead
His angel hawk spirit crying bang your head
Fresh breath of life it’s a quest of all quests
My wife’s rock hard love is best of all bests

(spoken)
It’s the

(sung)
Masters fight of my life
Masters fight of my life (etc.)

(drops mic)

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