Flaccid This February

Here we are, well into February and the PGA tour is finished with its California swing and I wonder WHYYY????  I have no gripe with visiting Palm Springs early in the season; as usual it is a serviceable stop with decent courses but generally a rather snooze-worthy experience.  And I understand the geographical progression moving from West (Hawaii) in January to East (East Lake) in August — but I believe it is misguided! Having lived in California for a time and been on site to see Torrey, Riviera and Pebble in full splendor IT DOESN’T GET FUCKING BETTER OK???? So why WHYYYY would you place them on the schedule when there is so little on the line and when the courses look and play their worst???? 

California is great. It has great golf courses. But February might be the WORST time for the tour to visit.

To recap, (as it is every year) Torrey was cold, Pebble was cold and Riviera was cold (the sycamore trees at Riv looked like a graveyard scene from an episode of Scoobie Doo). (Editors note: The PGA Tour got lucky as this is one of the first years that rounds were NOT called for darkness, a function of the days being extremely short out here this time of year. Additionally, due to lack of rain, the courses played tough – but generally speaking, they’re soft as hell right now, taking a lot of the tooth out of some choice courses.) If the main goal of the Tour is to stimulate interest in the sport and generate TV ratings the best way to achieve that is to provide us with scenic golf-boner inducing eye candy then please take us to places that don’t look like the most disappointing vacations of my life.  

How about this… Do the standard Kapalua/Waialae/PGA West routine to start things off, but then go to Mayakoba, then Puerto Rico and then Mexico City.  You’d have to kick the Barracuda Reno event back to the Mayakoba spot in November to make things work, BUT THEN YOU COULD PUT GODDAMN TORREY/PEBBLE/RIVIERA AT THE END OF THE REGULAR SEASON WHERE THEY BELONG.  (Editors note: Premiere events at the end of the season? It’s so crazy, it just might work!) I’d even take the additional step of making them the locations of the 3 playoff events rather than the bore-fest that is TPC Boston/Olympia Fields/East Lake. How awesome would it be to finish the season at Pebble every year???? 

Even Brandt Snedeker, aka Hermie the Elf, knows the course would be more fun later in the year. Photo courtesy of the PGA Tour.

I know I’m coming off a bit dramatic here but does anyone remember the travesty of the final round at Torrey in 2016 where Brandt Snedeker braved brutal conditions to shoot 69 to win???  Sure it was interesting to see a guy navigate impossible conditions but when I go California dreaming, I want to think of summer and Gidget and Beach Blanket Bingo and buff guys at Muscle Beach in banana hammocks.  GIVE ME WHAT I WANT. Please and thank you. I’d also be cool to see some Lamborghinis, and maybe a few plates of guac and chips and Vicki from Real Housewives. Perhaps Roger Maltbie could go on assignment to the La Brea Tar Pits to look for dinosaur bones or we could feed Dan Hicks to Great Whites near Alcatraz.  Jimmy Roberts could be on the lookout for UFOs aboard a destroyer off the coast of San Diego. These are just a few of my ideas. Thank you for your consideration.

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